Hi. It's been a while. Well, I really tried na makapag-update dito nang mas madalas. Kaso, pag talaga may mga pinagdadaanan ako, tyaka ko lang naiisipan. And yes, as the title suggests, I'm in the process of soul searching. I felt this extreme sadness nung isang araw because I miss my mom extra these days. Then, napaisip ako, what if buhay pa sya, would my life be different? Would it be a lot easier? Aminado ako, nung buhay pa siya, sa kanya talaga ako nakadipende. Pag maaalala ko lahat ng sacrifices niya, di ko mapigilang maiyak. When I lost her, dun ako biglang naging independent. That's when I started hiding what's really going on with my life. I always have my silent battles, that I preferred to cry silently in the darkness of the night. I also feel a lot of pressure. Nakakatamaran ko ang pagrereview at paghahanap ng trabaho because I feel like I'm not yet ready to face the reality na ako na dapat ang magiging provider. I'm scared of failing, not just myself, pero mas lalong ayaw kong ma-disappoint yung mga tao sa paligid ko when they are expecting me to excel in everything that I do. Naalala ko din yung past relationship ko. He was that another person that I relied upon. Kaya pakiramdam ko palaging may kulang. I tried reaching out, maybe just to finally claim my peace. I'm not trying to ruin anyone's relationship, nor I want him back. Pero yung hindi niya pagrespond siguro ang peace na hinahanap ko. I was hurt, at alam kong siya rin. I struggled with friendship the past few weeks that I don't know who to trust anymore, di ko alam kung sino pa ba yung totoo sakin. Sobrang nakakagalit knowing na hindi rin naman nila alam kung anong pinagdaanan at pinagdadaanan ko. Like I might be younger than them, but I've experienced a lot that I can't still believe that I'm still standing. Nagkapatong patong yung mga emotions ko, the fear, disappointment, mistrust, at sobrang lungkot dahil di ko alam kung paano na ang gagawin. Where do I start? Where do I belong? Feeling ko, I am being left behind, na may nangyayari na sa buhay ng mga kaibigan ko, bakit sakin wala pa? That's why I decided to lay low. It was never easy. I don't want to isolate myself, but I want to figure this out on my own. I want to know what I really want to do, and I hope to answer my questions soon. This would be my update for now. I hope in my soul searching, I can post more often.
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Just wanna share an eye-opener. I've watched this vlog of Toni Gonzaga in one of the episodes of Toni Talks, Jelai Andres gave her testimony on how she was healed from having a broken heart. Gusto ko siya i-share because somehow I can relate. As a short background, Jelai was married to Jon, pero the thing is, that guy cheated on her many times already. I became a fan of their vlogs together back then, hanggang sa nabalitaan ko na nagcheat na naman si Jon for the nth time already. Timing din na I am also healing myself kaya nagstop na ko manuod ng vlogs and started to find a new hobby which is yung paglalivestream sa Kumu. Back to Jelai and Jon, ang alam ko lang no'n nagfile na ng annulment si Jelai, at ngayon ko lang narinig yung testimony niya sa Toni Talks kung paano siya nakamove on. Sinabi ko na nakakarelate ako kahit papano, not on the cheating part, pero sa way niya ng pagmamahal. My ex did not cheat, pero nainvolved siya sa iba't ibang babae before. Nagustuhan niya yung mga yun, pero I was blinded by the thought na ako pa rin yung mahal niya kaya siya bumabalik. Parehas din kami ni Jelai na nakakalimutan na yung mga ganong side ng partner namin dahil sa pagmamahal. Na kahit ilang beses siya magkamali, tatanggapin pa rin, kasi mahal ko e. Ang isang tumatak sakin na sinabi ng ex ko noon, na hangga't di siya nagpopost sa social media ng about sa ibang babae, ibig sabihin hindi pa siya seryoso sa babaeng yun. That's why I knew this time, he is serious. May iba na siya, and naging sila in that span of time na akala ko pwede pa. Just like Jelai, ganon din ako magmahal noon, yung ibibigay mo lahat, na gagawin mo siyang mundo mo, sa kanya nakadipende yung kasiyahan mo, na kaya mong tanggapin lahat kasi mahal mo. Pero may napanuod rin akong Tiktok video saying, "Kung nagtataka ka na ibinigay mo na lahat pero iniwan ka pa rin niya, yun na nga e, naibigay mo na lahat, ano pang makukuha niya sayo?" That really hit deep. Hindi ako nadepressed the way Jelai was, pero ramdam ko yung nawalan ako ng gana sa lahat ng bagay, mag-aral, kumain; parang ang gusto ko lang umiyak hanggang sa mawala yung sakit. In a way, I lost myself for a while just like Jelai. Totoo din yung sinabi niya na kapag pinapakita na ni God na you should let go of that person and then you refused, masasaktan at masasaktan ka talaga hanggang sa wala ka nang maging choice but to let go of that person. Ganon na ganon ang nangyari sakin. On the moving on part, same din ang naging process namin. Nagkaroon ako ng mga bagong kaibigan, pamilya; narealized ko na ang lawak ng mundo nung naghiwalay kami. Yung dati na gusto kong maramdaman din niya yung sakit na naramdaman ko, ang gusto ko na lang ngayon ay yung maging masaya ako nang wala siya. At yun naman yung nararamdaman ko ngayon, though kapag naaalala ko siya, naiiyak pa rin ako. Narealized ko na di ko kailangan ng iba para maging masaya. Natutunan kong mas mahalin pa yung sarili ko. I'm still trying to be better. I'm still working on myself. Siguro pag nangyari yun, makakaya ko nang magmahal ulit ng iba. It was a lesson learned. Hindi ko pinagsisisihan na nakilala ko siya at minahal ko siya, kasi naging masaya ako do'n at marami akong natutunan. Ang pinaka natutunan ko sa nangyari samin is yung kailangan ko munang mahalin yung sarili ko, magtira para sa sarili ko, bago ako magmahal ng iba. It was an eye-opener indeed. I hope you can watch this full video to know more about how Jelai healed from her broken heart: Let's learn to love ourselves first, then everything follows. - FREYA
Yes. Freya is back. I was reminded of this blog as I was crying so hard. Again. At nakita ko na my last update was last 2019 and it's 2022 now. Why am I crying? Kasi naalala ko na naman siya. Siya pa rin yung dahilan kung bakit ako umiiyak. Lagpas isang taon na nung naghiwalay kami, at akala ko okay na ko. Akala ko lang pala. I posted a lot of updates in this blog about him back then. Nagdelete lang ako kasi on and off yung relationship namin. After that update last 2019, nagkabalikan pa rin kami. But this time, lagpas isang taon na ang lumipas, at may iba na siya. As for me, nag-explore ako ng ibang bagay. Ang dami kong nakilala at mga naging kaibigan. At masaya ako, yun yung akala ko e. Pero pag naaalala ko siya, di ko pa rin mapigilan maluha. Pag naaalala kong may bago na nga pala siya, we did not even talk nor see each other after that breakup, no closure at all. Pero siya, obvious naman na okay na. Hindi ko alam bakit masakit pa rin, kasi akala ko talaga okay na ko e. I still wonder anong mafifeel ko pag nagkita kami ulit, kung iiyak ba ko o magagalit. Sa totoo lang, tanggap ko na e, na naghiwalay kami at kung bakit di nagwork out yung samin. Pero nasasaktan ako kasi parang ang bilis niya nagmahal ng iba, ang bilis niyang nakamove on. Habang ako eto, minsan masaya pero pag maaalala ko siya, iiyak na naman. And I don't even know why. Parang back to square one. I emailed him since nakablocked pa siya sa socmed accounts ko. At alam kong nabasa niya yun. Sinabi naman ni Benz na gusto niyang magkausap kami before siya sumakay ng barko, at pumayag naman ako kahit di ko alam kung mangyayari ba talaga yun. Ano naman yung sasabihin ko sa kanya? Na okay na ko pero masakit pa rin? Nakakaano lang na siya yung unang nagkagusto pero ako yung mas matagal magmove on. Is it my ego? I don't know what will happen or what I want right now. Hindi ko rin alam bakit umiiyak pa rin ako. Hindi ko alam paanong magmove on nang tuluyan. Gustong gusto ko maging masaya, kagaya niya, para naman fair. Nakakamiss yung may nagmamahal at nag-aalaga. I don't know. I just posted this kasi di ko alam kanino magsasabi ng mga nararamdaman ko without judgement. I hope I can do updates in this blog more often from now on. I guess that's it. I'm back. - FREYA
Hello! Ngayon na lang ulit ako magpopost after ko magdelete ng mga naging updates ko. And still, it would be about you. It's been almost three months simula nang iwan mo ko, pero lahat ng pain, nandito pa din. Sobra yung galit na naramdaman ko kaya nagawa kong magdelete ng lahat ng about saten. Akala ko pag ginawa ko yun, mawawala yung sakit. Akala ko pag nagalit na lang ako sayo, mawawala yung natitirang pagmamahal na meron saken. Pero eto ako, wasak pa din, higit pa sa inaakala ko. Sobra akong nawalan ng gana. Sobra akong nalulungkot. Di ko alam kung ano pa yung di ko nagagawa para di mo ko iwan. Gabi bago yung araw na naghiwalay tayo, umuwi ako kasi gusto ko gawin lahat, kahit mawala na pride ko, kahit magmukha na kong desperada, gusto kong pigilan ka. Never ako nagmadali umuwi dahil namimiss ko pamilya ko, pero ginawa ko kase ikaw yun e, yung taong mahal na mahal ko, gusto ulit akong iwan. July 27, pumunta ako sa inyo, umiyak ako kahit nakikita ng pamilya mo, kase di ko kaya e, di ko kayang mawala ka saken. Pero pinagtabuyan mo ko at sinabihan na di mo na ko mahal. Naglakad ako palayo sa inyo, wala na kong pakielam kahit may nakakakita pa sakin na umiiyak ako. Kahit ganun yung nangyari, umasa pa din ako na magbabago yung isip mo, but you never reached out. August 2, nakita kita sa plasa, umasa pa din ako na baka sakaling bago ka umalis, balikan mo ulit ako, pero hindi e. Lumipas yung mga araw, puro ako kay Benz nagrarant ng galit ko sayo. Pero inisip ko, what if hindi ako umalis nun? What if inendure ko pa yung sakit ng pagtataboy mo? May magbabago kaya? Hanggang nung nalasing ako tas nagmessage ako sayo. Ang tanga ko. Ang sakit na ako namiss kita pero ikaw hindi. Inadd nga kita pero di mo naman inaccept. Ramdam ko yung pagbabago. Pero umasa pa din ako, sa tweets mo, sa mga shineshare mo, nung tumawag ka. Oo alam ko ikaw yun. Gustong gusto ko marinig yung boses mo, pero di ka naman nagsalita e. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin sayo e. Alam ko kung bakit sobrang hirap kang pagkitawalaan ako e. Di ko alam kung ilang beses ko ba dapat patunayan na di na mauulit yun. Sobrang sakit kase inisip mo na nagloko ako habang nasa malayo ka. Mabuti sana kung totoo e, baka naguilty pa ko, kaya lang hindi. Sa ilang buwan na hinihintay kita, sobra akong nangungulila. Alam ng Diyos Mike kung gaano kita kamahal. Pero yun lang kaya ko e, yung mahalin ka, hindi ko magawang kumbinsihin ka na pagkatiwalaan ako e. Pero sana nagtiwala ka sa pagmamahal na sinasabi ko. Di ko magagawa sayo yun kase sobra yung takot ko na mawala ka. Nag-aabang ako sa tweets mo. Iniistalk kita gamit fb ng kapatid ko. Pero wala e. Iniisip ko pano mo kinakaya habang ako sobrang nahihirapan. Kase nawalan talaga ako ng gana sa lahat e, mag-aral kahit nga magsimba e. Feeling ko ginawa kitang mundo ko at nagkamali ako. Hanggang sa nalaman ko na may bago ka ng kinikilala. Hahahaha ang bilis. Parang mas lalo akong nadiscourage sa buhay e. Natanggal ako sa dl, ang konti ng pumasa sa CPALE, tapos ikaw nakamove-on na. But I'm still stuck, dito sa sakit ng pag-iwan mo. But I wasn't aware of your pain, because I'm too busy dealing with my own pain. Naisip ko na sobra ka ring nasaktan tyaka nahirapan. Na natatakot ka din, just as much na natatakot ako. Mas lalo kong nakikita kung bakit dapat hindi na tayo magkabalikan, na hindi talaga tayo para sa isa't isa. Parang natrauma ka at natakot ka lang magtiwala ulit. I'm sorry. Pero sana wag ganun yung maidulot sayo ng naging relasyon natin, ayokong ganun yung maalala mo sa relasyon naten. Magtiwala at magmahal ka ulit ng iba Mike. Maging masaya ka. You deserve that and I sincerely mean it. Ikaw pa din yung pinakamagandang nangyari saken, despite all pain and heartaches. I will miss you Chief Engineer. Pero alam ko na kailangan ko na tanggapin lahat. Pagdasal mo naman na maging masaya din ako ohh. Pagdasal mo na maging motivated ulit akong tuparin yung mga pangarap ko. Hindi ko alam kung mababasa mo to, pero ayaw na kitang guluhin. Ituloy mo yang pagmumove-on mo. I'm sorry for causing you too much pain. At salamat sa lahat ng pagmamahal na binigay mo. We might ended up this way, pero hindi lahat sasaktan ka, kaya magtiwala at magmahal ka ulit ng iba. I really want you to be happy. I don't know what will the future bring, pero sana maging masaya tayo parehas, if we ever cross paths again. 'Till we meet again, Mike. - FREYA
When I was still young, I did everything I want. I was too care free. My mom let me enjoy my childhood days, experiencing pain from wounds and not because of broken heart. She provided my needs and made sure that I'm living a comfortable life. I'd come to think of it, I'd never ask her then whatever she wants. She just cares for us too much and that was enough for her. I'd never ask her then if she was doing okay, or if she was tired when all she did everyday is to take care of us. I'd never appreciate her efforts, not until I was maybe in Grade 10. I get annoyed when my mom didn't want me to participate in an activity just because it's expensive. I kept on insisting way back then. I didn't stop until I get what I want. It didn't matter where will she get the money needed but what's important was that I was able to participate in every activities I want. Until, a realization hit me hard. She loves us unconditionally. She will do everything to make us happy. When I needed something, she would get it for me right away no matter where she is. That's how much she loves us. I now know and appreciate her sacrifices. Until, we encountered a tremendous challenge. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last January 2017. It was a shock for all of us. I couldn't believe that it can happen in real life, in our lives. This changed our lives completely. I was crying and hoping that her cancer won't get worse. I never showed her that I was in pain, because I couldn't imagine how much more pain is she experiencing. I couldn't bear the pain especially when I see her at home. Seeing her in too much pain, hurts me real bad. The results showed that she has a stage 3 breast cancer. I couldn't do anything but cry out of frustration and pain. I kept asking, why? Of all people, why her? She had an operation but it didn't have the assurance that the cancer is gone, so she continued her medication. My mom gained weight for the succeeding months. I was happy and relieved by that. She was able to eat the food that was restricted for her to eat. She finally gained her strength. She was recovering. Or so I thought. She'd been bother by the pain she felt with her other breast (the one that was not operated.) She can hardly sleep at night. One night, when I was facing my laptop, I heard soft sobs, so I followed the sound. There in our bed, I saw her crying. I even saw her awake and continuously crying at 2 am. We asked her why and she said that she was hurting, that everything about her body is aching. It was my first time to see her cry in front of us and that must mean that she really was indeed hurting and was trying hard to withstand the pain. But you know what tore me that midnight, she told my dad, "Patayin mo yung ilaw matutulog pa yung anak mo." Despite the pain that she's experiencing, she still bothered to think of me. My dad wanted her to go to the hospital that time, but she insisted not to. Days went by, she had a check up and found out that her gall bladder is damaged and her lymph nodes are swelling. She can hardly walk and stand. I didn't want her to worry too much, so I prayed and prayed. I was disappointed because I couldn't do anything. Then, she asked help to a family friend who also helped her way back. She had her CT scan. Just a while ago, I heard the results from my cousin. She has a metastatic bone disease which means that the cancer cells had spread through her bones and other parts of her body, her spine, head, and ribs. It was also found out that there is fluid in her lungs and that her gall bladder is failing. Even her lymph nodes got worse. I was too shocked and I broke down. I can't believe this is happening to her. Where did she get all these illnesses? Why is she suffering like this? Her doctors said that there are a lot of things need to consider before she undergoes a treatment. They still don't know if chemotherapy will still work for her. My cousin and I decided not to tell my mom about this. I'm afraid she'll break down and lose hope. I can only hope, but I'm finding it hard to hope for the best. We're still young. I can't lose her. I can't. I don't know if this is my karma that's why my mom suffers. Why her? I was regretting not appreciating her sacrifices way back then. I hope I can turn back the time even if it's too cliche of me to say so. I badly need your prayers for this wonderful woman in my life. All she does was to love us unconditionally. I still want her to see me graduate with flying colors, to witness my wedding, to see her grandchildren and to be taken care by us. Please Lord, don't take her away from us, not too soon. Gusto ko pa pong bumawi sa kanya. Please let me do that. Lengthen her life and make her stay with us longer. I love this woman, Lord. I love my mom so much so please let me show that to her. Extend Your healing hands to her. I lift up all these to You. - FREYA
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"Your life may be in hopeless end, but with God, life is an endless hope." "Happiness lies within ourselves, as well as acceptance." "Do not be afraid to love and trust again, because that's when you'll be happy again." "Love isn't just about holding on, but letting go." "Success is how high you bounce when you hit the bottom." AuthorFreya is created to inform, inspire and influence people. Archives |